Suicidal

• Hey man are you ok Wes? 

man I don’t even know anymore my depression won’t let me rest. 

sometimes my anger defeats the goals to test. 

inside my head it’s the unwelcome guest. 

like my grandpa but he got shot because he was beating her down

then later in life my dad was ready to drown.

he took his own life and I was 11 and the world became real. 

began living a life I wasn’t prepared to feel. 

I turned to drugs to cope and deal. 

it was my shield to walk in life. 

never realized the ruts I was causing, then another Lawson dead, it’s never pausing. 

unlike the rest of our bloodline she was innocent 

but I can’t deal because I’m scared of another suicidal incident. 

this curse can’t be some kind of coincidence. 

I find myself mad at being a coward like him. 

he never got to see us be disappointed  nor grim.

I’ve felt that. maybe he did it better.

he left without a reason why or even a letter

he’s been dead longer in my life than alive

i tried in this life and things took a nose dive. I just pray and pray that I get the strength for another day. 

because  maybe today I actually feel alive